How to Survive

Mother

2009-04-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

Through the window I saw her kneeling in a pair of muddy overalls, planting flowers in what little light was left. I pushed open the screen door. The dead leaves and the weeds that had been growing for years had ben torn out and cleared away, and four black trash bags stood by the iron garden bench that no one ever sat on.

"What are you doing?" I called.
"Planting mums and asters" she said.
"Why?"
"I was in the mood."
"Why were you in the mood?"
"I sent off some more chapters this afternoon, so I thought I'd do something relaxing."
"What?!"
"I said, I sent off some more chapters to Jacob Marcus so i thought I'd relax a bit"
I couldn't believe it.
"You sent the chapters yourself? But you always give me everything to take to the post office!"
"Sorry. I didn't know it meant so much to you. Anyway, you were gone all day. And I wanted to get it off. So I just did it myself."

DID IT YOURSELF?
I wanted to shout.

My mother, her own species, dropped a flower into a hole and started to fill it with dirt. She turned and looked at me over her shoulder.
"Dad used to love to garden," She said, as if I'd never known him at all.

" Mother, you had me but I never had you,
I wanted you but you didn't want me,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Farther, you left me but I never left you,
I needed you but you didn't need me,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Children, don't do what I have done,
I couldn't walk and I tried to run,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home.
Mama don't go,
Daddy come home... "

John Lennon - Mother

...connections...

2009-04-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

I did a search on the internet for Alma Mereminski

2009-04-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

They must record all the deaths somewhere. The births and deaths-there must be a place, an office or bureau somewhere in the city that keeps track of them all. And so I thought, Maybe they have a record of her. An hour passed and we didn't find any death certificate for Alma Mereminski.

Then I thought: Wait a minute.
SHE MUST HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED!
That was it! That's why I hadn't found the death certificate for Alma Mereminski.
Why hadn't I thought of it before?

"Looking for someone, I guess I'm doing that,
Trying to find a mem'ry in a dark room.
Dirty man, you're looking like a Buddha,
I know you well, yeah.

Keep on a straight line, I don't believe I can,
Trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Chilly wind you're piercing like a dagger,
It hurts me so, yeah.

Nobody needs to discover me,
I'm back again.
You see the sunlight through the
Trees to keep you warm,
In peaceful shades of green.
Yet in the darkness of my mind
Damascus wasn't far behind.

Lost in a subway, I guess I'm losing time,
There's a man looking at a magazine.
You're such a fool, your mumbo-jumbo
Never tells me anything, yeah.

Nobody needs to discover me,
I'm back again.
You feel the ashes from the
Fire that kept you warm.
Its comfort disappears,
But still the only friend I know
Would never tell me where I go.

Looking for someone,
And now I've found myself a name.
Come away, leave me,
All that I have I will give.
Leave me, leave me,
All that I am I will give."

Genesis - "Looking for

The Boy with the Accordion

2009-04-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

Misha and I wrote twenty-one letters back and forth. Then he invited me to his Bar Mitzvah party. He grabbed my hand, and I followed him out of the apartment, down the hall, up five flights of stairs, through a door, and out onto the roof. You could see the ocean in the distance, the lights of Coney Island, and after than an abandoned roller coaster. My teeth started to chatter, and Misha took off his jacket and put it around my shoulders.

I told Misha everything.

"The little things, you do to me are
Taking me over, I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me
Like a nervous heart that, is crazy beating
My feet are stuck here, against the pavement
I wanna break free, I wanna make it
Closer to your eyes, get your attention
Before you pass me by

(Back up, back up) Take another chance,
Don't you (mess up, mess up) I don't wanna lose you
(Wake up, wake up) This ain't just a thing that you
(Give up, give up) Don't you say that I'd be
Better off better off, sleeping by myself and wondering
If I'm better off better off, without you boy

And every time, you notice me by
Holding me closely, and saying sweet things
I don't believe, that it could be
You speaking your mind and, saying the real thing
My feet have broke free, and I am leaving
I'm not gonna stand here, feeling lonely but
I don't regret it, and I won't think this
Was just a waste of time

Don't just leave me, hanging on,
Don't just leave me hanging on....

(Back up, back up) Take another chance,
Don't you (mess up, mess up) I don't wanna lose you
(Wake up, wake up) this ain't just a thing that you
(Give up, give up) Don't you say that I'd be
Better off, better off sitting by myself & wondering (don't just leave me hanging on)
If I'm better off, better off without you boy (don't just leave me hanging on)

Don't just leave me hanging on......"

"The Little Things"- Colbie Caillat

He liked to cook and laugh and sing,

2009-04-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

could start a fire with his hands, fix things that were broken, and explain how to launch things into space, but he died within nine months...

"You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye"

Phantom of the Opera - "Wishing you were Somehow Here Again"